The sun was out on this particularly warm October day. If this continued, we were gonna see a rise in skimpy Halloween costumes for sure.
I was in a particularly happy mood. After two weeks of squatting, Leah had gotten an official extension on her apartment for another month. We had already burned through two weeks of it, but another two weeks of secure housing still felt like a lot.
I was heading over to Lin’s. I did not really like calling it “my place” anymore. It had all my stuff, but it felt more like a place I used to live, not a place I was currently living.
I stopped by a street vendor and ordered some banh mi to take with me. I knew Lin loved these, so I also got some canned bubble tea, another Lin favorite.
The subway was not packed, probably because it was still early, and I was enjoying the freedom of being unemployed without being in poverty.
I arrived at Lin’s place in Astoria around lunch and opened the door to a scene I had not expected. Moving boxes everywhere. Some taped shut, some still open. Thick black marker on a few announced “Winter clothing” or “Bedding.”
Lin walked in from the kitchen and spotted me.
“Mia!”
She pulled me into a big hug.
“Should have said you were coming over.”
“I live here.”
“No you don’t.”
She looked down at my bag.
“Oh my God, you brought food? I am starving.”
“Huh?” I looked down at what I was carrying. “Oh, right, yeah. I have banh mi and some bubble tea.”
“Oh, my favorite. Thank you.”
She took my bag and went into the kitchen. Some of the cupboards were open, with lots of cups and plates missing. I guessed they were already packed away.
“You’re moving? When were you planning to tell me?”
“Our lease ends November 15th. I’m paying my part until then. After that, we would have had to negotiate something new with the landlord anyway.”
Lin let out a long breath.
“I was planning to tell you once I had all my stuff out of here.”
“What is happening, Lin? Where are you going?”
“I’ve been feeling different since we came back from Shelly’s wedding. I think you unlocked something in me. A new passion, or want. The video with Anna, the stuff at the school. It… refreshed me. Made the fog go away. Then the way you spoke to my friends and family about me made me realize I was not trying to be the person you saw me as. I was not working hard at school. I was not planning for the future. I was just… hanging around.”
She took another bite.
“I’ve decided to focus on school. I want to attend more classes in person. I want to focus on my degree. I want to get this done, and I want to do it well.”
I looked around. “But why are you moving?”
“I found a room closer to Hunter. If I’m going to actually attend classes instead of doing everything I can online, I don’t want an hour of my day disappearing on the train.”
“Isn’t that more expensive than here?”
“I’m sharing with five other people, so my rent is about two thirds of what I’m paying here.”
“Five other people?”
“It’s fine. They’re all students, so everyone is focused on school. Cutting out distractions. Really getting this done.”
Something about that bothered me. “What distractions?”
Lin looked away.
“I’m cutting things off with Dan, and…” She paused. “I want to create some distance between us.”
I stared at her.
“I want you to stop texting me. No more sex, no more spending the night. I don’t want you visiting me or pulling me into anything. I want a clean break. Maybe once I get my footing, we can reconnect.”
I let a long silence hang in the air.
“Was I stopping you from studying?”
Lin closed her eyes like she had been expecting this.
“No.”
“Did I tell you not to get a job?”
“No.”
“Am I a burden?”
Lin opened her eyes again, looking angry.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then why do you have to get rid of me to become a better person?”
Lin sank back in her chair.
“It’s not like that.”
“You are running away, Lin. You are not doing this because you suddenly care about your fucking GPA. You are doing this because I said I love you, and you decided that was too scary when you started feeling something for me.”
I stood up.
“You left Iowa, not because you wanted to move to New York, but because you wanted out of Iowa. You settled in here, and then you found me. But when I tell you I love you, you start feeling the same way, and Leah makes everything complicated, suddenly you need another fresh start. You can’t pick complicated, so you choose to run.”
Lin stood up and tried to hug me. I turned away, not willing to accept this.
“I know you are angry, Mia, but… I want this. I need this.”
I started walking towards the door. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Mia, wait.”
I turned and looked at Lin, forcing myself not to cry.
“What!?”
Lin stopped in the kitchen doorway and looked away.
“I’m… sorry.”
I turned back to the door.
“Fuck you, Lin.”
I slammed it behind me.
I started walking. I knew the general direction, but I had not walked this way before. I was angry with myself. I should not have shouted at Lin. She was dumb for making this choice, but I was the one who pushed her. I had said the words. I knew she was afraid of it, but I still pushed.
I should have done what Leah did. I should have stayed away, should never have gone to the wedding. Should have let her figure everything out without me pushing and wrecking everything.
I am such a stupid cunt for thinking I could do this. I knew, I fucking knew she was afraid of being attached or under someone’s thumb. So of course telling her I loved her would make her afraid. Then I described her as this free and strong woman to all her friends and family. Of course she does this.
This is all my fucking fault.
This thought rumbled around in my head for about two hours, while I wandered helplessly back to Leah’s place.
I unlocked the door to Leah’s place.
“Leah?”
Nothing.
I closed the door behind me.
Right. Costumes.
“Fuck… Leah would never get Lin into the Cammy costume now.”
I crashed down on the couch.
I ruin everything.
I started crying. Everything came down at once. I had lost my friend, I had fucked up our relationship, I had been stupid, I had done stupid things, and now I had fucked it all up. Leah would be mad at me. Maybe she would leave. Dan could blame me for this. Maybe this was my last day with any of them.
I cried until I didn’t have much left, then stayed on the couch. At some point it got dark outside. I didn’t turn on the lights.
I checked my phone a few times, but didn’t message anyone. I didn’t know what I would even say.
Eventually I must have fallen asleep.
Around one in the morning, Leah opened the door carrying several bags of what I assumed were costumes and accessories.
“Mia? What are you doing here? I thought you were staying at your place tonight?”
“Lin wanted me out.”
“What?”
“We broke up.”
“You what?”
She dropped her bags and ran over to me without even taking off her shoes. She must have really meant it.
I accepted the hug, even though I knew I did not deserve it.
“Tell me everything,” Leah said.
She sat next to me on the couch, removed her shoes, and placed them aside.
And then I told her how I had fucked it all up, how I had scared Lin away, and how she was cutting herself off from all of us.
Leah didn’t say anything. She nodded, held my hand, and wiped away my tears when they came, but never tried to interrupt me or challenge anything I said.
Eventually I ran out of things to say.
Leah was still holding my hand.
“You’re supposed to tell me I’m being stupid.”
She looked at me.
“I don’t think you’re being stupid.”
That was not what I wanted to hear.
“I don’t think this is all your fault, Mia. Lin made a decision. She’s allowed to make it.”
“But?”
Leah stayed quiet.
“There’s a but.”
“I’m worried.”
“Lin made this easy.”
“What?”
“Us.”
She squeezed my hand.
“She made all of us easy.”
I put my head on her shoulder.
“I don’t think Lin is coming with us to Comic-Con.”
“Yeah, I deduced that as well.”
“Shame. I really liked the Cammy outfit.”