My plane back to Iowa was leaving at 1 p.m., and I had packed everything for the week the day before. I was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast when Oliver showed his face.
“Hi, Lillian.” He gave me a little wave.
I gave him a nod while continuing to eat.
“So, about what you saw yesterday.”
“It’s fine. I don’t have any ownership over any of you.”
He gave a solemn nod at that.
“That might be true, but after speaking with Mateo, I was wondering if perhaps I could be the holder of the key?”
I looked down at the chain around my neck and the key it held.
“You gonna let him free?”
Oliver smiled at me.
“Neither Mateo nor I want him to be free. But I might want to upgrade the cage. Or maybe tempt him with freedom.”
“And Mateo agreed to this?”
“He asked if I could take over the key, yes.”
I unhooked the chain from my neck and slid the key across the table toward Oliver.
“Fine. I guess he evolved away from me.”
Oliver picked up the key and put it in his pocket.
“It’s not like Mateo dislikes you. He’s thankful for what you did for him. It’s just… he prefers me.”
I rolled my eyes to make it look like I didn’t care, even though the statement actually stung a little.
I never loved Mateo. This was closer to your dog preferring your boyfriend, then going with him instead of staying with you when you broke up.
There was an awkward moment where Oliver didn’t have anything more to say, and I wasn’t giving him anything to react to.
“Okay, then. I know you’re going back for Thanksgiving, so I guess I’ll see you when you get back.”
“Sure,” I said, not actually knowing what my relationship with Oliver and Mateo would be now.
I opened iMessage on my phone and looked at my message to Ava again. I stared at the Read message, wondering if she had maybe opened it, thought she could reply in the morning, and then forgotten. Or if she had made the choice not to reply just to annoy me.
I pressed the message field and the keyboard showed up, but I had nothing to say.
I had messed up with Ava when I told her no relationship was possible. It was true, but I had still messed up.
I closed the app, locked my phone, put my dishes in the sink, grabbed my bag, and headed up toward 125th to catch the M60 to LaGuardia.
I had an urgent need to be away from this place.
The airport wasn’t as busy as it would be in a few days, which was one of the reasons I wanted to leave early. My professors had canceled lectures so we could focus on our papers, but I had wrapped mine up early, so I figured a week at home might stop my parents from wanting me back for Christmas as well.
I had booked Basic Economy because it was cheaper, which meant American had apparently decided I no longer deserved preferences.
I had stuffed my carry-on to the maximum limit, as I didn’t get a free checked bag. I was staying for a week, but I would have to do laundry twice if I wanted clean clothes to wear on my return trip.
I got stuck in a middle seat between a guy who kept spreading his legs into my space and a woman who fell asleep against my shoulder.
The snacks were terrible, my entertainment screen was broken, and Wi-Fi wasn’t free.
I spent the entire three-hour flight listening to the ten songs Spotify had apparently decided I needed offline.
When I landed, Dad was there to pick me up. He smiled and gave me a big hug, and I let him hug me for a solid twenty seconds before I gave him a pat on the back.
We did the normal conversation. He asked me about life. I avoided explaining Mia much and said “fine” without going into any detail.
I felt my phone vibrate and hoped it was Ava before I looked and saw it was Ethan.
Ethan: I hate to do this over text, but we need to stop our… thing.
Me: Why? Dahlia didn’t see anything. I had fun. I know you did.
Ethan: She suspects.
Me: How could she? We were very careful.
Ethan: Not careful enough.
Ethan sent an image
The image was a still from the video call he had with Dahlia. It looked like she had recorded it, that pervy girl, and caught a frame where my robe was visible on the floor.
Then there was another still, apparently from later, with Ethan talking to her while his back was turned to the same area. There was a red circle around the spot where the bathrobe had been.
Ethan: I told her it was a towel, and I threw it in the hamper with my foot.
Me: So we’re safe?
Ethan: I can’t risk anything like this again. We had fun, but it needs to stop.
Me: What if I don’t want to?
Ethan: Then we need to discuss your lease.
Me: Fine. It’s done. Fuck you.
Ethan: Thank you for understanding.
I let out a long breath.
“What’s the matter, honey? Something bothering you?”
“Nah, it’s nothing.”
My father knew something was up, but decided not to go digging.
“So, I heard Anna is about to send out wedding invites. Seems her and her man Mark got a date in May.”
“Really?” I was shocked by that. I had expected the whole endeavor to have gone down the drain.
“Yeah, they rented out a hotel in Des Moines. Real fancy.”
“What hotel?” I asked.
“Hotel Fort Des Moines,” my father replied.
I knew the place. It was a restored 1919 hotel downtown, the kind of early twentieth-century building designed to make money look respectable. Stone, brass, dark wood, a huge ballroom. Very Anna.
“Very impressive.”
“You think you’ll get an invite?” my dad asked.
“You know, I actually don’t know. Anna and I have a weird relationship.”
“Well, maybe you can catch her while you are back, I hear she’s in Ankeny, and is staying at her parents for Thanksgiving. I hear Mark is coming down on Thursday to join her.”
“I hope I catch her then,” I said, or more correctly lied.
I did not really want to meet Anna, nor attend her wedding, nor have any sort of catch up with her.
I wandered around the house and property that morning and was struck by how much had changed. My father had owned a large swath of land when I was young and had farmed it for as long as I could remember.
About a year after I moved to New York, he decided he wanted to retire early. I had been told he sold off the farm but kept the house. I had never really updated my view of the area after that.
The farmland was fenced off now and had been merged with neighboring land. They had removed the treeline that used to separate our property. I used to climb those trees, and Mom would get so angry at me.
I saw some huge new grain silos at the far end of where the field used to end. They had some logo on them that I couldn’t recognize or make out from that distance.
The old machinery shed was almost empty now. Dad had sold the tractors with the land, leaving behind a workbench, some tools and a wide concrete floor that looked much larger without anything on it. There was dust on everything.
Even the old basketball hoop over the garage was gone.
I wondered if they had taken it down, or if it had fallen.
My phone buzzed, and I saw it was a text from Ava. My heart gave a skip.
Ava: Sophie and Dev seem to have broken up, or are on a break.
Me: Yeah, I thought that might happen. When I last saw them, Sophie was berating Dev.
Ava: What did she say?
Me: That might be a bit personal. I don’t think Sophie would want you to know.
Ava: That bad?
Me: Afraid so.
Me: You okay? She hasn’t bitten your head off?
Ava: Nah, I mostly keep to myself. Headset, laptop in a corner. Out of sight, out of mind.
Me: You heading back to SC for Thanksgiving?
Ava: No, Christmas. I was planning to go to your house for Thanksgiving, but with Sophie and you gone, I feel like it would be weird.
Me: It would feel weird even for me.
Ava: 🙋
Me: Nothing important, don’t worry.
Ava: Okay, have fun in Iowa. 😘
I stared at the kiss emoji longer than I should have.
A heart felt too much.
I found the kiss emoji and typed it in, but didn’t send it. It felt like too much, and I might scare her again, or she might bring up questions I wasn’t ready to answer. I deleted it and went looking again.
I found a thumbs-up, but it felt psychotic.
I closed the emoji keyboard, brought up the normal keyboard, then typed:
Me: Thanks. You too.
Yeah… that was only slightly weird.
Unknown Number: Lillian? This you?
Me: Who this? New phone?
Unknown Number: Anna.
Me: Oh.
Anna: Your mom gave my mom your number.
Me: That is an extremely Iowan way of getting someone’s phone number.
Anna: Don’t knock it if it works.
Me: Fair.
Why on earth would Anna want to talk to me? Did she know I had the video of her and Anthony?
Anna: Heard you’re home for Thanksgiving.
Me: News really gets around here.
Anna: So, how long are you here?
Me: Until Sunday.
Anna: Nice, we should catch up.
Anna: Did Mia come with you this time?
I stared at that message.
I was not sure if it was good or bad that Mia was not with me. Good, yeah, most likely good.
Me: No, she has family in Jersey. Most likely heading there for Thanksgiving.
Anna: Ah, makes sense.
Anna: Anyway, let’s grab brunch tomorrow. We can catch up.
I wanted to say I was busy, but on the scale of believable lies, that one was pretty far over on the unbelievable side.
Also, if our mothers talked, it would come back to me, and I would be interrogated about why I wouldn’t catch up with Anna.
Me: Sure. Around one at The Breakfast Club?
Anna: Lovely, see you there.
Well, I definitely had mixed feelings about this. After almost rubbing my clit off watching Anna get railed under Mia’s guidance, I didn’t have nearly as much angst about meeting Anna as I did about whether I could keep myself from laughing, viewing her through that lens, or otherwise managing a normal conversation with her.
The Breakfast Club was aggressively colorful inside. Blue, red and green plastic chairs surrounded wooden tables, looking like someone had raided a public-school cafeteria and then tried to make it fashionable.
I spotted Anna sitting at a corner table, and when I met her eye, she waved me over.
I put on a fake smile as I sat down.
“Anna, long time. How have you been?”
“I completely missed you at Shelly’s wedding.”
“Yeah, it was a busy day. I must have missed you.”
The video of her was rolling in the back of my mind.
“So my mother says you have a wedding date with Mark?”
A waiter came over and asked if we were ready to order.
“Pancakes and a latte,” I said.
“Eggs Benedict,” Anna said. “And two mimosas.”
I looked at her.
“I’m not drinking alone.”
I got this nostalgic feeling, starting behind my eyes and spreading through the rest of my body. For a short second, I saw Anna as the seventeen-year-old girl telling me what to wear, or when I needed to have her homework done.
I savored that moment for a second, a taste of my previous self, something long gone and only now remembered. I smiled at Anna, a real smile this time.
“Of course not.”
When the waiter left, Anna returned to the topic at hand.
“Yes, May 15th is the date. Everything is getting ready now, and the invites go out next week. We just got back from New York, where we were shopping for dresses for me and the bridesmaids.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You were in New York? Long way to travel for dresses.”
“Mark wanted to have some fun as well, so we stayed for a week.”
Our drinks arrived, and I decided on alcohol first, then coffee to recover from the alcohol.
The mimosa was the same bright yellow as our table. I suspected no fresh fruit had been involved in its creation.
“We actually ran into Mia while we were there.”
I took a sip of my mimosa.
“Did you now?”
“Yeah. She helped us out with something.”
“That does not sound like the Mia I know. You sure you met Miriam ‘Mia’ Williams and not some other Mia?”
“Oh, so her proper name is Miriam?” Anna asked.
I gave her a suspicious look.
Anna looked down at her drink for a second.
“So, you two are pretty close, right?”
“You could argue that.”
There was a pause. Anna took a sip of her drink and cut a piece of her eggs Benedict.
“She is a very confident woman.”
“Now that sounds like Mia.”
“Do you know if she is seeing anyone?” Anna sounded hopeful, but I wasn’t sure what answer she was hoping for.
“That is a bit of a complex question. Why do you ask?”
“Mark wants to invite her to our wedding. I was wondering if she’ll bring a plus-one. Or if she’ll be yours.”
I gave her a long look. That was not a lie, but that question was rehearsed.
“No, me and Mia have sort of lost contact. We moved apart. She lives with her girlfriend now, as far as I know. That would most likely be her plus-one if you invite her.”
“Oh? So you broke up?”
“Me and Mia were never a couple, Anna. We were roommates and friends. I moved, she moved, and we are still friends. It’s just been a lack of contact, is all. I am not super up to date.”
“Ah, I see. And this girlfriend? It’s serious?”
“Leah is very serious.”
“Leah. Is that her name?”
I decided to go on the offensive, see if I could make Anna pull back from this line of thinking.
“I remember you talking to Mia a lot during Shelly’s wedding. You two grew close then?”
Anna went a bit red, but recovered quickly.
“Yeah, she is quite a conversationalist. Very interesting person to talk to.”
“I gathered. You had Mia to yourself almost the entire day.”
I carved off a piece of pancake and ate it.
“Nothing happened at Shelly’s wedding?”
I took a sip of my mimosa before answering.
“Is that so? Mia said she had a fun time with you.”
Anna looked like she was judging several paths out of this conversation before settling on one.
“Fine. I like Mia.”
“I noticed,” I said with a smile.
“Not like that!”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Okay, maybe a little bit like that.”
I chewed my pancake, remembering Anna begging Mia to stay after getting fucked by Anthony.
I nodded and smiled at that thought.
Anna drew a deep breath.
“Mark likes her too.”
That stopped my chewing.
Anna did not elaborate, nor did she continue eating or drinking. She just sat there, waiting for my reaction, and I did not really know how to react.
“What exactly did you and Mia do in New York?”
She took another bite before answering.
“Mark and I were having some wedding jitters. She helped us set things in order.”
“That sounds very unlike my Mia.”
“And that is why Mark wants to invite her to the wedding. I’m just trying to figure out what that would mean for the wedding, is all.”
“I was under the impression you’re supposed to be fucking your husband on your wedding night, not Mia, if that’s what you’re implying.”
Anna definitely went red when I said that and looked around to see if anyone could overhear us.
“It’s not like that,” she said, almost pleading.
“What is it like, Anna? Why are you asking about Mia?”
Anna looked down at her plate.
“She made us talk about things we had been avoiding.”
“That still doesn’t explain why you’re asking if she’s seeing anyone.”
“Because Mark likes her. I like her. And I don’t know what that means.”
“Meaning?”
Anna sighed.
“Meaning I don’t know if she was just helping us, or if she actually wants to be part of our lives.”
I leaned back in my plastic chair, mimosa in hand.
“Let me be very clear. Whatever Mia is doing, she will not leave Leah for you. If you somehow get her away from Leah, be aware that Leah is the sharpest person I have ever met, and I would not want her angry with me for any reason. So don’t try.”
“Do you think Leah knows…? About me? Mark?”
“I can almost guarantee it.”
“So, she is fine with her girlfriend…”
“It’s complicated.”
“That is an understatement.” Anna sat back in her chair.
“She crossed a few lines with us.”
“What lines?” I asked.
She waved a hand, dismissing the question.
“But Mark and I are fine. Better than fine, actually. And somehow Mia is part of why.”
She looked down at her watch and reached for her purse.
“I need to go. I’m sorry to cut this short.”
I was only halfway through my meal and hadn’t touched my latte.
“Busy day?”
“Yes. Mark is coming to pick me up. You know, I’m glad we did this.”
“Interrogate me about Mia?” I asked, not getting up.
“Catch up.”
“Sure.”
Anna rolled her eyes.
“You’re getting an invitation, by the way.”
“Am I?”
“Yes. And before you ask, your mother didn’t make me.”
She walked toward the exit after leaving some money on the table. Enough to cover all the food, actually.
I pulled out my phone and looked at my last chat with Mia. It was about two months old. She had sent me a meme about bi panic, and I had reacted with the skull emoji.
I decided this conversation was not what I wanted to use to reach out to Mia again.
After my talk with Anna, I did some social stalking on her and her husband. I couldn’t find any dirt outside of what I already knew.
Mark was a lawyer in Des Moines. Anna was a housewife. Mark had recently become a partner, with the official announcement calling him the “youngest partner” at the firm, so I did not expect Anna to take up any sort of work after marriage.
They both followed Mia on Instagram, and Mia did not follow either of them back. That was interesting.
I saw that Mia had recently added a Twitch link to her Instagram. I had not noticed that before. I took a quick peek, but there was not much there. Some old videos of her playing video games, no huge following or subscriber count. It must have been something she was just doing for fun.
I noticed Mia was not following anyone called Leah, but I recognized her face under an account called Vesper Velvet.
That account had not posted anything in a while either, but had lots of images of Leah in different costumes through the years.
I did a general search for the name and found socials across multiple platforms. I also found an article in Crain’s New York Business.
TEG expands into New York with acquisition of VV Creative
London-based TEG has acquired a 51% stake in creator-management firm VV Creative (Vesper Velvet Creative LLC) as part of its expansion into the U.S. market. The company has appointed Leah Takahashi as Managing Director of its newly established New York division.
I did some more searches for VV Creative and found several other articles talking about the acquisition as part of the launch of TEG’s New York operation and Leah becoming managing director.
It seemed Leah had changed jobs since the last time I checked.
I checked out some of the other accounts Mia followed, since the list seemed pretty random, and found someone named BossSize. She had a lot of cosplay costumes and apparently an OnlyFans.
Maybe a friend of Leah?
I searched for BossSize and found a lot of things, including a video of her building a computer that seemed to have gone viral in mid-October.
She was in some sort of loft, building a PC. The video had millions of views.
I had no idea how something like that got that many views.
I went back to BossSize Instagram and found her tagged in a few posts.
One of the accounts BossSize was tagged in belonged to OffAxis. He had posted a carousel a few days earlier showing the progression of some costume creations. It seemed to be Halloween-related, and the associated text was ‘Embargo Drop! Time to show off my Halloween Costume prep!’
In one of the photos, BossSize was stretching some fabric out on a table while OffAxis took a selfie, trying to catch as much of the room as possible.
It was some sort of workshop, but there was a kitchen to the left, and I could see a couch under some fabric on the right.
I noticed something familiar on the kitchen island.
I zoomed in.
That was Mia’s Captain Planet mug. I would swear there was none like it. It was discolored after too many dishwasher runs, but somehow had no chips or scratches. It was like it had been made out of adamantium-infused clay, even if the paint definitely had not been. Mia used to drink so much coffee out of that thing.
I stared at it for a second.
What are you doing, Mia? Have you started crafting costumes to make ends meet?
I scrolled through a few more. OffAxis had blurred out faces, but I thought I saw someone I would tag as Leah in several photos, along with lots of people I had no idea who were.
Only BossSize was unblurred, along with a few others I did not recognize, but their tags led to a diverse set of cosplay Instagram accounts.
I found one that I suspected was Mia, but she was in pajamas and bunny slippers.
Not sure how that piece fit.
There were also a lot of photos from New York Comic Con. Apparently she had been working there, along with OffAxis.
In one of the photos, she was standing next to Ken from Street Fighter.
I zoomed in.
Dan?
Was she involved with Dan? Was BossSize my replacement? Was she fucking Dan, Leah and Mia?
I thought about what my own sexual spreadsheet had looked like over the last few months and realized BossSize joining Mia and Leah would not actually be that outrageous.
I kept scrolling. There were several more pictures of them together, along with other people in Street Fighter costumes.
Yeah, Dan was part of this whole new structure.
I checked Dan’s socials, but he had not done anything outside of checking into some concerts over the last six months.
Classic Dan.
Okay, so what had my evening of stalking shown me?
I thought Mia had brought a new person into their hierarchy. Dan was on board with it. Leah had a new job, and Mia was doing pickup work for Leah.
Maybe OffAxis was into the whole thing too, but he seemed more like a work companion. Mia had not followed him on Instagram, unlike BossSize.
I was thinking hard about how to reignite a chat with Ava. I wanted something that said I was sorry, but not something that said girlfriend requests incoming.
I was looking through memes, trying to find something appropriate but still subtle enough that it would not cause too much confusion.
As I scrolled through an endless list of NSFW memes, my phone buzzed.
It was Ava.
Ava: So… I’ve been thinking about how we left it.
Me: Me too.
Ava: And I don’t know how to get past it. I still want to see you, but it’s hard not to catch feelings, you know?
Me: I get that.
Ava: But then I think back on why I wanted to hang out with you, and it was never about getting a girlfriend. It was about having fun experiences. And maybe that got away from me.
Me: Maybe.
Ava: So, yeah. I was kinda hoping we could start talking again. Maybe just keep it slow. Casual.
Me: I’d like that.
Ava: Of course you’d like that. You’re getting what you want.
Me: Yeah, kinda.
Ava: I’m too much of a slut for you. Gonna regret this.
Me: Fingers crossed you don’t.
The days drifted by in a haze. Thanksgiving was a lazy day when friends of the family and actual family came by. We fit twelve people around the dining table, and I was peppered with the normal amount of questions.
“Are you dating anyone?”
“No, I recently broke up with someone.”
“How’s school?”
“Grades are good. Mostly A’s, some B+’s.”
“How’s Mia?”
“I moved out of the old place to be closer to school. Mia found a new roommate.”
“Coming home for Christmas?”
“Unlikely. I have friends to spend it with.”
Even though that was an abject lie.
The topic of Anna’s wedding came up, and I said I had spoken to Anna, who said I was getting an invitation. Yes, Anna was doing well. She and Mark had just gotten back from New York after shopping for dresses.
I agreed that yes, New York was an extreme distance to travel for dresses, and that it was probably a combined vacation for the two of them.
The conversation drifted to Mark, his job, and how lucky Anna was to have found someone like him. I contributed the appropriate noises when required, but otherwise let everyone else carry it.
After dinner, I spent the appropriate amount of time on the couch with the rest of the family, mostly on my phone with Ava and contributing only slightly to the general post-meal conversation.
Ava and I had gone back to sending memes to each other. She asked a few questions about my Thanksgiving, and I asked her how she was handling being away from home for it.
I tried to focus on being friendly, attentive, and all those things that friends were supposed to be, and that I had not been with Ava.
On Friday, I joined Mom on a Black Friday run. She had an aggressive schedule for getting the maximum number of discounts out of the day, and the car slowly filled up with her haul.
Saturday had me wishing I had booked my flight for that day rather than Sunday. I did laundry and packed my bags, but I kept feeling like this used to be home, and I wanted to be home.
Everything felt the wrong size, the wrong smell. Once Thanksgiving and Black Friday were over and things went back to normal, I felt out of place and in the way. I wanted my room, my school, my own schedule. Even the stupid crowded apartment.
Ava and I kept talking through Friday and Saturday. Nothing serious. Memes, complaints about Sophie, a few increasingly dirty jokes.
By Saturday night, talking to her felt normal again.
Sunday arrived, and Dad dropped me off at the airport. It was much busier than when I arrived, and security took a full hour. My plane was at least on time, even though it was overbooked. I got on the first try.
I was on the plane, still waiting for boarding to finish, when I sent Ava a message.
Me: I’m on the plane back to NY. Should be home around seven. You want to drop by? We can head out and grab something, talk, and maybe more if you’re up for it?
Ava: Sure. I’ll come by your place around eight?
Me: See you there.
Once back at home, I showered, shaved, and washed my hair.
By eight, I had done my makeup and was practically ready. I sat down on my bed and started looking up places we could go once Ava arrived.
At eight fifteen, I checked my phone.
Nothing.
That was fine. Ava was late sometimes. She lived close enough that she probably had not even left yet.
I found a Korean place that was open late and sent her the link.
Me: This place looks good?
The message went through.
I kept scrolling.
At eight thirty, I decided I did not like the Korean place anymore. It looked too loud. I found a Mexican place instead, then stopped myself before sending another link.
She had not answered the first one.
I put my phone down.
At eight forty-five, I picked it up again.
Still nothing.
I checked our earlier messages to make sure I had not misunderstood.
Ava: Sure. I’ll come by your place around eight?
Around eight.
Okay.
Nine was still around eight if you were being generous.
I went into the kitchen and got myself a glass of water. Ethan was not there. Mateo and Oliver were somewhere in the apartment, but I did not go looking for them.
I returned to my room.
At nine ten, I sent another message.
Me: You still coming?
I stared at it for a moment after sending.
Maybe that was needy.
No. It was a perfectly normal question when someone was more than an hour late.
I put my phone face down on the bed.
Five minutes later, I turned it back over.
Nothing.
I went to the window and looked down at the street.
People were walking past in coats. A couple stopped outside the building while one of them checked their phone. A cab pulled over, and for half a second I thought Ava might get out.
Some guy did.
I closed the curtain.
At ten, I was hungry enough that I stopped pretending we were going out for dinner.
I opened a delivery app, then closed it again.
If Ava arrived while I was eating, that would be awkward.
I could wait another half hour.
I checked my makeup in the mirror.
Still good.
I had shaved for this.
Fuck.
At ten twenty, I sent:
Me: Everything okay?
I almost added a question mark after the question mark somehow.
I stared at the chat.
Three messages from me now.
The restaurant link.
You still coming?
Everything okay?
That was enough.
Anything more would start looking desperate.
I was not desperate.
I threw my phone onto the bed and went back into the living room.
Nobody was there.
Good.
I did not particularly want anyone asking why I was wearing makeup and sitting around the apartment alone at ten thirty on a Sunday night.
I went back to my room.
At eleven, I checked again.
Nothing.
I opened Ava’s Instagram.
No new posts.
I checked her activity status.
Nothing useful.
I checked Sophie’s account.
Nothing there either.
Maybe Ava had fallen asleep.
At eight?
Maybe her phone had died.
She owned a charger.
Maybe something had happened.
That thought sat badly.
I opened the chat again and started typing.
Me: Ava, seriously, can you just let me know you’re okay?
I did not send it.
That was too much.
I deleted the message.
Then typed:
Me: Guess plans changed lol
No.
Deleted.
Me: If this is about what happened before Iowa, I get it.
Absolutely fucking not.
Deleted.
I locked the phone.
At eleven thirty, I took my makeup off.
Not all of it. Just enough that I could tell myself I had decided I was not going anywhere anymore.
I changed out of the clothes I had picked and pulled on sweatpants and a T-shirt.
My phone buzzed while I was pulling the shirt over my head.
I nearly dropped it trying to grab it.
Spam from DoorDash, 10% off an order if I placed it within the hour.
I stared at the screen.
“You fucking idiot,” I said quietly.
I was not sure if I meant the app spam, the phone, Ava, or myself.
Midnight.
I was lying in bed now.
The room felt too quiet.
I checked the chat again.
Still nothing.
I started wondering if this had been intentional.
Ava knew when I was landing. She knew I would rush home, shower, get ready.
Maybe that was the point.
Maybe she wanted me sitting here waiting.
Maybe this was payback.
I had told her I did not want a relationship, slept with her anyway, let her get attached, then acted surprised when she got attached.
Maybe I deserved one night sitting around feeling stupid.
That thought made me angry.
Then it made me feel worse because I could not entirely argue with it.
At twelve twenty, I went back to the window.
I did not expect to see her anymore.
I still looked.
Nothing.
I returned to bed and opened the chat one last time.
My thumb hovered over the keyboard.
I wanted to send something angry.
Something that made it clear I did not care.
Something casual.
Something that would make her answer.
Those were probably four different messages.
I sent none of them.
At twelve fifty, I put my phone on the nightstand and turned off the light.
I lasted maybe thirty seconds before reaching for it again.
Still nothing.
I put it back down.
Ava had wanted to start talking again.
Slow.
Casual.
Apparently we had very different definitions of casual.
My phone buzzed.
It was Ava.
Ava: Sorry, stuff happened. Let’s catch up another time.
I stared at the text.
Stuff happened?
Another time?
My heart sank.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
I felt so fucking alone.
The feeling had been there for a while, sitting somewhere in the background and eating away at the edges. I had just been good at keeping it busy.
Ethan. Ava. Mateo. Oliver. Sophie. Even Noah.
There had always been someone around. Someone to fuck, tease, manage, argue with, experiment on, or just occupy the space beside me.
None of them had actually filled whatever was missing.
They had only made it easier not to notice.
I picked up my phone and found my chat with Mia.
I sent her a text.
Me: Can we talk?
No read receipt appeared. Perhaps she was already asleep. I kept looking at it. She was most likely asleep. No reason she should be awake at one.
Maybe this was a bad idea. I sho…
The word Read appeared beneath my message.
The typing indicator appeared.
My heart raced.
Mia: Of course.
I started to type something, then deleted it. I looked at the call icon.
It would come off as desperate.
But I was desperate.
I pressed the call button.